Are We Truly Free Or On Trial?

Recently, I read the book ‘The Trial‘ by Franz Kafka. It got me thinking about whether our lives are a trial where we prosecute ourselves throughout our lives? Now, what do I mean by trial in our minds? It’s as if the trial is between our subconscious and our conscious minds. Guess deep down in our subconscious, the conscience tries to whisper that we are not living the life that we always wanted to live. Our conscience asks: are we truly free or on trial?

There is always a justification ready from our rational conscious mind. But with time, the whisper only gets louder. We convince ourselves that we will live the life that we truly want someday when we have achieved X, Y, and Z. Then we will start living. As the trial continues, our conscience deep down knows we are guilty. So, let’s understand more about whether we are truly free or in trial as we cruise through our lives? 

“Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.”

~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

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Are We Truly Free Or On Trial?

It seems we are living our dream life. Got a good job, a family, a house, a car, and all the amenities that make a good life. But why does it feel like something is missing? That existential question around are we truly living a purposeful life? Often we think about whether we have really found our calling? Whilst the job is great, would we like to do that work until we die? Is it more for financial reasons that we are doing the job, and would not do it if it paid nothing? Then what do we do with our time if we don’t need the money? What would we do, we would do just for the sake of doing that work? That which gives us ‌joy while doing the work itself, with no other external expectations.

So what does this mean, whether we are truly free or on trial? On the surface, it feels we are free, and why not? We are doing what we have done. Thus, where is the question about the trial coming in?

What is The Trial?

So the question is, what is the trial? Is it the quintessential intercourse we have with ourselves? Something that we just have with our inner self. Like the voice from inside asks, “Are you truly doing what you always wanted to do?” We convince ourselves that we need to do what we are doing; we are supporting our family, meeting‌ societal and cultural expectations. So we are doing our duties and what the world expects us to do. When we build enough security and when we don’t need to work for money anymore, we will finally explore what the inner voice really wants to do. Because now we just don’t have time to even explore it. We don’t know for sure what it looks like either.

Is this the trial between our inner selves and us? This is something existential; it just doesn’t go away easily. For we can stay busy and avoid it or numb it, but it keeps on whispering more and more as we age. Because at some point we know we are going to die one day. And the inner voice is going to ask us all these questions at the deathbed. As time passes and we still have no answers.

Who is The Accused?

So then it sounds like we are the accused in the trial? Not surprisingly, deep down, we actually know. In our defense, we know we will truly live once we achieve our financial security, our ambitions, and complete our duties. That is the day we will start living. Not that we had planned for it. We have done it meticulously. But the only thing we are not sure of is what we are going to do to fully live. Of course, we have some ideas which we justify for a plan. That is the time we will have time to think about it. Then, probably explore it. Find it and then pursue it with all our life energy. 

Who is The Prosecutor?

The prosecutor is our conscience. It is the inner voice that whispers, and it is so easy to quieten it with all our rational arguments. I believe it only gets louder as we age, and when we have no more arguments left to quieten it, it becomes the loudest. It is not possible to mute it anymore. We absolutely need to listen to it, and finally, at the deathbed, there is no escape.

Is the Accused Guilty?

Now, the ultimate question is: Is the accused guilty? Are we guilty of incessantly ignoring our inner voice? Because first it’s about our duties, then our goalposts have been moving all along. As if there is not enough. The chase never ends, and we keep on adapting to the hedonic treadmill. Therefore, it’s more a question for us: are we really guilty? We always have our defense ready, so why should we accept our guilt? 

Should the Accused Die Guilty?

Whether we accept our guilt is solely up to us. Then only we would need to answer the question: should the accused die guilty? Now, to be honest, it is difficult to accept our guilt. For we have been doing all the right things that society tells us, our culture tells us. Then where is the guilt, and why should we accept it? But as the trial proceeds longer, we know it is hard to defend it anymore. If not earlier, the deathbed is the place where we finally accept it. Then the question is, should we have accepted it earlier when we still had years we could have lived?

Probably yes. Guess there was still time to truly live. Listened to those whispers. Thought, reflecting and then exploring. This journey is often a journey of solitude. That we can only make ourselves. It might not be very comfortable since we need to face ourselves. It’s always been so easy to avoid ourselves under the pretense of staying busy. So not necessarily the accused needs to die guilty. If at all we can accept it, the first half of the job is done. Then it is more a journey of self-exploration and discovery.

Conclusion On Are We Truly Free Or On Trial?

We get only one life. We can try to convince ourselves that we lived it to meet all the surrounding expectations. But it is hard to ignore the trial that is existential between our conscience and our conscious selves. We work for a living, but there comes a point when we don’t need to work for a paycheck. It’s just a matter of time when we reach that point in our lives. When all our accumulations just become a number and in reality, they don’t make any difference to living a happier life. What matters at that point is how fulfilling the work that we are doing is and can constantly evolve with time.

It is then when we ask if we don’t need the compensation for the work we do, what work we want to do, that we want to lose ourselves doing nothing in return. With which there are no expectations attached. Many times that can develop and change with time, but it is that work which we enjoy doing just for the sake of doing the work. Often we say work is something that pays monetarily, but the payment to us need not be money; it could be just the satisfaction of doing it for us. That could be the reward.

I believe we shall always be in this trial until we die-the trial in between our conscience and our conscious self. It is this trial that forces us to think whether we are living an authentic life for ourselves. That we always want to live. So we might never be free from our trial completely. It would only drive us to listen to our inner voice more intently and not silence it.