Why We Avoid Facing Ourselves?

How much time can you just be with yourself without the itch to do something? Just think about it. Why do we want to stay busy all the time doing something? Is it we need to distract ourselves from ourselves so that we don’t need to face ourselves? What if I say we live in a matrix of external stimulation just so that we don’t need to face our true selves? We depend on these external stimuli for our dopamine spurts. But the question is, can we internally generate the dopamine so that we don’t need to look externally? Rather, the real question is whether it is possible to motivate us intrinsically versus depending on extrinsic motivations all the time. These are interesting questions. So let’s dive deep into why we avoid facing ourselves more in this post.

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”

~ Aristotle

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Why We Avoid Facing Ourselves?

How much time do you spend with only yourself daily? Then, do you get bored easily and crave to do something? Like, the most popular thing to do is to pick up your smartphone, isn’t it? That’s not surprising at all. Since we live in a world where we need constant triggers to keep us busy. Then the question is why we avoid spending and then facing ourselves? That would lead to the question: who are we and do we really know ourselves? Let’s find out more about these very fundamental questions.

Dependence on External Stimulation/Validation

Do you believe you depend on external stimulation and/or validation all the time? Another way of asking that question is, do we always need someone or something to make us feel good or happy? We, as human beings, want to be happy, but what makes us happy? Is it having to get to do something that gives us a kick like going out for shopping, vacationing or partying? Or just the need to talk to someone all the time? Which is great for sure since relationships are probably the most valuable things to nurture for long-lasting happiness. But a more basic question is, do we always need someone to validate us or something to stimulate us?

In today’s mostly materialistic world, we are driven by external stimuli and validations. Pertinently, we find it difficult to just spend time with ourselves just doing nothing. If we could have more time with ourselves reflecting, introspecting and possibly meditating, we may not always have the itch for these external stimuli.

It was only when I had been practicing Brahmacharya for sometime now, which is an Indian practice of self-control, that I could experience external stimuli and validations loosening their grip to motivate myself. This was more of an awakening for me. That, all the years I have been depending on extrinsic motivations to make be feel happy. But I found if we can intrinsically motivate our self we can be at peace with ourselves and happy. This happiness is quieter, not the fleeting type that we experience from external stimuli like getting praise, rewards or gaining material possessions.

Lack of Self Awareness

That brings us to the next question: how much do we really know ourselves? Do we have self-awareness? Self-awareness is a complex topic and is difficult. Even though we may feel we know ourselves, often we don’t. Since it takes a lot of effort to really even try to know ourselves. I have been going through a phase of self-exploration and introspection for over a year. I found out that I knew very little about myself, which surprised me. If we keep on asking ourselves, who am I and want makes or would make us truly happy, we can try to know ourselves.

For me, meditation, self-reflection and self-introspection have been really key. It was only when I started meditating that I could slowly connect with myself. That is when I could discern the inner voice from the noise and try to listen to it.

Inability to Connect With Ourselves

Then the question is why it is not straightforward to connect with ourselves? This is because most of the time we love to stay so distracted with external stimuli that we don’t want to take the time to spend with ourselves. We always want to stay busy. Even outside work, we need activities to always fill our time. Why is it we don’t want to spend time with ourselves? Is it because we want to avoid facing ourselves?

If we cannot connect with ourselves, it is not possible to know what we really love to do and then what our real purpose in this world is. For example, if you didn’t really work for money, would you continue doing what you do for a living? If yes, that is the best place to be since that is what you really love to do. But what if the answer is doing something else? It is only when we can connect deeply with ourselves that we can realize what we really want to do and want to become, with no influence from our ego.

Often, our ego tries to convince us what we should do or should become, often driven by societal pressures, status and keeping up with the Joneses. The mind speaks the language of the ego. Haven’t you ever had a tussle between your mind and your heart? The mind driven by the ego essentially tries to protect us and provide security, so it is also driven by fear. But our hearts try to be the compass and show the true north where we finally want to steer the ship of our life.

Not at Peace With Ourselves

How often are you at peace with yourself? Being at peace is a kind of being in a blissful state or an eternally happy state. This is something you can experience through regular meditation. When you can let the mind chatter just pass away like clouds and not cling to them and start thinking about them. It is a time when the mind stops thinking. How often can you just be with yourself without thinking about something? Often we worry about the future or ruminate about the past but seldom just be in the present. Because there is nothing to think about for the present. We simply need to be in the present moment.

This is something that has taken me a lot of time through meditation to just try to be at peace with myself. Just as I am, without wanting to be someone else but it is difficult. We love to compare ourselves to others. To me, being at peace with myself is a state where there is equanimity, meaning not the fleeting state of being happy and not sad either.

Lack of Self Love

Now what do we mean by self-love? To me, it means how content you are with yourself? How good you feel about yourself, not from an arrogance or pride perspective but more from a life satisfaction or fulfillment perspective. If we don’t really love ourselves, we run away or avoid ourselves. Then, if we don’t love ourselves, we don’t have enough love to give others selflessly. Then why do we struggle to love ourselves? Often we are not content with ourselves. Because we feel we are not enough.

The world convinces us we need to be like someone else, have what someone else has and chase what someone else is chasing. Then we never feel we are enough. For example, if we hit a specific net worth, we would be happy, or if buy a bigger house or a fancier car, we would be happy. Then what happens when we achieve that milestone? The dopamine burst is only momentary. Then the goal shifts again, and the do loop restarts. This is the hedonic treadmill. Probably we pause the hedonic treadmill or jump off it to take the moment to step back and realize maybe we don’t need more to be enough. Maybe we are enough.

Conclusion of Why We Avoid Facing Ourselves?

In summary, we avoid facing ourselves because we don’t want to wake from the numbness that the external matrix keeps us in. We don’t want to get off the distractions and just want to stay busy. Because it is significantly more difficult to awaken and face our true selves. Our ego wants to maintain our shell and identify ourselves with identities that are truly not. They are unreal and illusions. Only when we face death, we realize we came in naked and will leave naked. That realization is probably a stepping stone towards wisdom. What probably matters on our deathbeds is the realization of how much we have given to the world versus taken from it. How much love we have spread and selflessly contributed to make this world a better place for all living beings. Just something to reflect on when we face ourselves.